Q: What is the most effective way to inform someone that I don't like the person without directly telling him 'I hate you'? SS
A: "Oi! Getoutofmyface!" I find that usually works a treat for the idiots that have a hard time reading subtle hints (Melanie, I'm talking to you!) But if you're human and don't want to hurt the man's feelings then I suggest hooking up with his best friend.
Also, you could find out the things he doesn't like and do all of them...at the same time...while standing on your head. But my advice to you would be to take him somewhere quiet, sit him down, buy him a beer, and tell him you're gay. Considering you haven't hooked up with him yet (and considering he's a man) he probably thinks that you are gay anyway.
Q: How do I impress my crush who repeatedly reminds me that he is in a serious relationship? EM
A: Oh dearie me, he just ain't that into you kiddo. But no one loves a quitter eh? So, what I recommend is to get on to Craigs List and hire... (Ed: that's illegal!). Well ok then!
The question you have to ask yourself is does he mention this "serious relationship" to everyone, or just you? If he's the sort of bloke who walks around telling everyone how in love he is, then he's a complete bore and should not be given another thought, after all, it is only a crush.
If, however, it's just you, then take him somewhere quiet, sit him down, buy him a beer, and tell him you're gay (this, as you can tell, is my favourite bit of advice). Then tell him it's really unbecoming of a man in a serious relationship to hit on another woman and walk away (preferably drop mic if you have it).
Q: I made out with a married man and now I am in love with him. What do I do? BR
A: Ah love! That many splendour thing. I remember when I was 19... (Ed: Get on with it). OK so here's the first thing you need to remember...HE'S NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE!
He'll say he will, but there's more chance of you being run over by a Martian driving an 18-wheeler carrying the mortal remains of Superman.
It's not that he doesn't love you, he probably does, but you're also most likely the distraction in his life...his inadvertent, and gorgeous, crisis.
What you've got to do is start treating him like the sideshow and find a real circus freak to occupy your time. If your married man goes insane, you can use that as leverage to get him to leave his wife. If he doesn't bother, then, well, you've got your answer.
Q: My boyfriend of three months takes financial and relationship advice from his ex. What do I do? SN
A: Is she the head of the Federal Reserve? Does she do the accounts for Bill Gates? I thought not! What he needs is his head bounced of a wall. He's probably also taking relationship advice from his mother (who, I'm guessing, absolutely loves his ex).
This guy is more of a loser than the England football team, and needs to be summarily dumped. Of course you could always spend all his money and then just blame it on his butt-ugly ex and her bad financial advice. Seriously! Where do you find these muppets?
Q: Do girls enjoy oral sex as much as boys do? AS
A: Does a bear shit in the woods? (Ed: Explain!) Of course they do, and probably more so because most men are so reluctant to travel to the South Pole.
My suggestion to you would be to channel your inner Captain Kirk and go boldly where tragically few men have gone before. There may be a few ground rules that you both can discuss before hand, and you'll probably be looking for a needle in a haystack (get it? Wink, wink) for the first few weeks, but if she loves you she'll hang around until that Eureka moment.
Also just to keep the selfish male happy, it earns you loads of brownie points and if they brag to their friends about what a skilled explorer you are then trust me, you'll be the catch of the year (if you read the above few questions, there are soon going to be a few single women around).
Please note that the views reflected in this column (which is meant to be humorous) are the views of the writer and may not be the views of the International Business Times. One should always seek the help of a trained medical professional and/or a mental health professional if you feel you have a genuine problem.
