Being a parent is the most overwhelming emotion in the world. When asked to describe the feeling of parenthood, many feel at loss for words. From the joy of having a baby to having those sleepless nights, parents go on an emotional rollercoaster. One thing all parents have in common is putting the baby down to sleep at the night and then there's the challenge of feeding nutritious meals prepared especially for them. What if we told you all of these challenges can be addressed? Imagine your kid falling asleep effortlessly and staying so throughout the night. Imagine your child eating without making any fuss. Imagine having a sound sleep as new parents. All of this and more with just some lifestyle changes.
"We are kind of conditioned to think that sacrificing a lot of our own sleep is part of the parenting process," India's noted paediatric sleep expert Ajita Gopal Seethepalli told International Business Times in a freewheeling conversation about the importance of scheduled sleep in child's overall development.
Until a few years ago, no one in India would have heard of the concept of sleep training a baby, let alone practice it. With growing awareness about sleep training, parents are more welcoming of the concept, defying the notion that sacrificing night sleep is part of parenting.
Realising sleep disruption is a problem
Studies have shown that disrupted sleep can have varying effects on a child's development. Right from learning difficulties to poor academic performance and demonstrating behavioural problems, daytime sleepiness and irritability, all are recognised consequences of inadequate sleep. Depending on the child's age, it is recommended for a kid to get anywhere from 12 to 16 hours of sleep in 24 hours. But it is often ignored in Indian households, which can have lasting effects.
Seethepalli, who works with children from the newborn stage till they are about five years or so, says establishing an age-appropriate sleep schedule should be done early on to avoid sleep disorders. She rightly pointed out that it is not uncommon to have some sleep troubles in infancy, but they are meant to alleviate as the child grows up. Without considering disrupted sleep as a problem and making effective changes in lifestyle, the impact on the child will be evident by the time they start play-school.
Signs your baby is tired
- Sucking of thumb or fingers is also an indicator of tiredness
- Jerky arm and leg movements
- Arching backwards like they want to get away from you
- Staring into space
- Pulling their ears, hair or keep scratching their face
One of the most common challenges parents face with their children is getting them to fall asleep. Even if they succeed in it, keeping the child asleep through the night without having to wake up multiple times or having the parent intervene is another major obstacle.
Having helped numerous parents over the years, Seethepalli points out that in India, "we are kind of conditioned to think that sacrificing a lot of our own sleep is part of the parenting process. And some of it is part of it, in the early days or early weeks of having a child. But after that it is done, we don't have to keep sacrificing ourselves for years on end. And that's where the balance gets lost."
More than this, the effect of disrupted sleep is seen on the child's nutrition as well. Even as adults, when there's sleep deprivation, we crave for quick fixes, which often end up with unhealthy choices. It could be a cup of coffee or some simple carbs or sugary foods because they give us instant energy. Now consider this for the child, who hasn't slept the required amount. The impact is directly seen on his nutrition. That's when he or she becomes a picky eater.
We must always think of sleep as the base foundation, which cannot be shaky or the entire structure could crumble down.
How important it is for a child to have a sleep schedule?
Having a sleep schedule is as important for a child as it is for adults, actually a lot more for a child. Schedules help parents to have a sense of predictability for the child's life. For example, "if you ever see a child screaming and crying or throwing a tantrum, it's not too often because they are either too tired, or they're too hungry. But you will not have the child say to you that 'oh, you know, I'm just a bit hungry' or 'I'm just a bit tired, just let me have a nap.' They will just have a full blown upset emotion in front of you. And it is for you to identify what's wrong," Seethepalli explains.
But having a structured pattern for the child as per their age will help them achieve those needs without them getting desperate.
"If you've got a one-year-old at home, and you know that your baby needs to get down for a nap in the middle of the day. And you proactively put your child down every day at say two o'clock or a nap, your child's body gets used to that. And your child never reaches that stage where they just kind of lost their cool. So you maintain a nice balance for your child," Seethepalli further elaborated.
India's first child sleep expert lamented that having a schedule is not different for adults. Doing different things daily is not living a healthy lifestyle. Since adults have better coping mechanisms, the immediate effects are not seen. But it will catch up eventually. The reason to choose a schedule, particularly for food and sleep, for a child is to avoid some major problems in the later years of the children.
Common mistakes as parents
Seethepalli has been in her line of work for 12 years and compared to a decade ago, parents now are much more aware of the concept of having a sleep schedule for their child. She recalls having to really explain to parents in the initial days when she decided to help others like her.
It all started when Seethepalli had her first child, who was a "horrible sleeper." Her quest to find a solution to her little one's sleep troubles led to her profession. As she used to travel abroad with her husband, she had the chance to see how in the West, infants' sleep was given priority and she also met several sleep trainers. After devising her own method, she finally got her son to follow a sleep schedule in just three days. The magical discovery was too precious to be contained, hence her calling.
In the last 12 years, Seethepalli has spoken to thousands of parents, all of whom have benefitted immensely from her coaching. This also qualifies her to be the ideal person to identify the most common mistakes people make as parents. Here are the two most common mistakes often treated with a "chalta hain" attitude.
Parents start to get children to fit into their schedules. So, as an adult, if I'm going to come back home at nine o'clock, then I tried to fit my child into my pattern, having the child stay up till nine, and maybe hang with me, have fun with me, play with me, and then maybe go down to sleep with me, or according to my timing at maybe midnight. However, that doesn't work very well for the child because the child's pattern is completely different compared to our requirements.
And what tends to happen is this child will quite happily or unhappily follows this, also, sometimes we will go to clanking moments, and then they will poke up again. And because they're happy to see us, and they're also craving your attention and love so they'll stay with you. But what happens is, the next morning, they still wake up reasonably early, as you do, and you head out to work. And now you've got a child who has slept very little. Most of the adults I talk to these days are also not sleeping enough. Maybe they get five hours on a lucky night and that's if they're not disrupted by the child. But the child is also sleeping maybe 7-8 hours, which most parents think is good enough. It's not!
Most children actually need about 11 to 12 hours of sleep at that younger age till about they're five years of age. So for a child who's sleeping 7-8 hours, that child is kind of fatigued, almost permanently, she says. The child is almost always in our sleep deprived state. And that is definitely a big mistake made by most parents trying to get the child to match their timing and match their patterns.
The other very common mistake made by a lot of parents is to make the child heavily dependent on them, the adults, in the family to fall asleep. Until I go and hold my child and walk and sing five songs, or read storybooks, my child will not go to sleep. That heavy dependence on the parent or another adult in the family to fall asleep is another very common mistake, which becomes very disruptive in the sleep of the child.
How does sleep training a child actually work?
Seethepalli explains her role in getting the child's sleep right. The process is called sleep coaching or sleep training. The coaching and the training is mainly for the parents and it has nothing to do with training the child. The child is the beneficiary of this process.
"It is a parent that I train and the parent, in turn, will actually be making changes in how they handle the child and thereby the child actually changes how they react. So what we do in this sleep training process is we look at multiple elements when it comes to child's day, like the child's eating habits, milk habits, methods of falling asleep, or how the child is handled when they are cranky. I then start to look for the problem elements. Once that is identified, we go into correction mode, which is a step by step process, because, often times, you cannot correct all of it in one shot," Seethepalli explained.
Parents are initially asked to make small changes and slowly go on to building up a whole system. The aim is that the parents inculcate good sleep habits in the child, wherein the child learns to fall asleep, easily, independently, and learns to have the longest stretch of sleep that they possibly need without waking up for unnecessary comforting, Seethepalli said with confidence.
COVID pandemic gave parents a reality check
Even though the COVID-19 pandemic ravaged the entire world and the lives as we knew it changed forever. With working from home becoming a norm to late nights becoming a habit, we saw many changes. But the silver lining of the pandemic is that the parents had the chance to realise the impact of their child's disturbed sleep and took corrective measures.
"Everybody has become more aware of what happens to the child during the day also when the child was not sleeping well at night. Otherwise, that was a part we just thought everything is fine and we were able to ignore it. Whereas now, we realise, it's not fine in the night, it's not fine in the day," Seethepalli said.
Having seen first-hand what the child endures due to disturbed sleep, parents were more eager to fix the process and find a permanent solution.
You will notice a huge difference in the child's personality before sleep training and post sleep training. A lot of children can be irritable and cranky. A lot of parents who commonly say 'my child is very stubborn. I don't know if I can change anything in this child' go through sleep training and are like 'my child is not stubborn. I don't know what I was saying. My child's actually so chilled out.' That's because you have actually given the child that absolute magic power of sleeping. And that's what COVID brought in, because everybody became so stressed out and realised that you cannot ignore this because it's bringing up the a side of the sign that is not fun for the child or you. This is not needed for us to go through at all, we need to fix this for our child, we need to fix this process. Because when a child doesn't sleep, guess who else doesn't sleep," Seethepalli noted.
Change starts with you - the parents
We often picture our children as our reflection. They catch on to things they see quickly. To bring about a change, be it in sleep schedule or nutritious eating or maintaining a healthy lifestyle, the change must start with the parents.
"Children mimic us. They do as we do and not as we tell them to do. So, if you're not going to follow a healthy lifestyle, then chances are less that your baby growing up is going to follow one either. So if you're hoping that for your child, change starts with you," Seethepalli says.
Even as adults, it is not right to assume that sleeping for 4-5 hours is going to be fine. Seethepalli strongly advises against it as it can be a trigger for various diseases.
She says sleeping for 4-5 hours and thinking you'll be fine is going to catch up with you and which is why it is very common for us to hear people having early onset of heart issues, or diabetes, thyroid — all of which are triggered by poor sleep.
Most importantly, there's no shame or harm in getting your child sleep trained. It is beneficial for the baby as well as the parents, who wouldn't have to spend sleepless nights endlessly.
